Updated December 2010
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This chapter is dealing with the subject of getting to know oneself as a sexual being. There is really only two ways that this may be accomplished - playing with oneself and playing with another person. Notice that it was stated as "playing". The reason for this is that the subject of sexual play is usually lumped together with reproduction. Hopefully, reproduction may be the result of sexual play but as everyone knows, sexual play is an end in itself! Sexual play is also but one form of hedonism. Just as too little sexual play is to be avoided, too much sexual play is also to be avoided. Moderation in everything is a good concept to adhere to in every aspect of the playing out of our life. There are those that become addicted to sexual expression. This is just as bad for you as those that abstain from sexual expression completely, for whatever reasons.
For those of you that have chosen to start your interpersonal sexual experiences, the author very stongly suggests that you get the Human Papilloma Virus (HPV) vaccination first!
For those with issues concerning sexual addiction that my or may not be coupled with issues of physical, mental or emotional abuse or drug abuse, this link may be of interest to you - The Ranch Sexual Recovery Rehab Center.
I am a male person. As a child, I did not really have an idea of sexuality per se. However, my first sexual play experience was provided via the 4 year old girl that lived across the street, when I was 5 years of age. One fine day she asked me if I wanted to do what another boy living up the street had shown to her the day before. I said yes and she took me to a secluded place in the bushes at the other side of our alley in back of the house where I lived. She then squatted down, pulled my pants down exposing my genitals and proceeded to suck my penis. Wow, was that a great feeling of physical pleasure! After a while she stood up, said that it was my turn and then peeled off her panties. Curiously, I knew just exactly what to do and I enthusiastically plunged my tongue into her vagina and licked her labia and small clitoris while holding on to the cheeks of her buttocks. So we gave each other pleasure at least 4 to 5 times a week until my Father's work took him and our family to another part of our great nation. I was very unhappy at having to give up my friend and squeeze.
It was for me the start of my sexual play experiences. When I was 10 years of age, I began to produce and ejaculate "cum". This was ok since my 9-year-old girlfriend and I were too young to procreate. We had been having intercourse for about a year and it really changed nothing about our sexual play together. At the same time I knew that to ejaculate into a "mature" girl/woman was not a good thing to do and I avoided doing so by pulling out before I started my ejaculation. This meant that I needed to make sure that my playmate was satisfied using my tongue if she had not already reached the point of orgasm before I began my ejaculation. How I knew to do these things is somewhat of a mystery to me but my instincts have always been right on the mark!
By the time I was in Junior High School, I was masturbating sometimes 3 times a day. I learned what turned me on - pictures of naked beautiful women or novels with a vivid description of the characters making love. Some times I would visualize a female that I knew that got me off. I also read everything that I could get my hands on about the subject of sex. As I grew older and the experience of my playmates grew broader I learned that my nipples were not erogenous zones for me. Massaging my nether lips (anus) was interesting but not particularly stimulating. I am strictly heterosexual in my orientation. I like medium sized breasts with large, sensitive nipples, a well defined and trim ass, a narrow waist and absolutely no belly fat - difficult to find in these days of gluttony and lack of exercise for most people.
Thus, knowing the intimate details of what gets me off is something that I need to explore for myself. How do I go about doing this? I read and I then apply the information that I have read to self and my current partner. Talking with guy friends or girl friends and sharing experiences also helps. Do you know whom you can trust? How do I separate the boasting from the actual reality of what happened? Another way is to fantasize until I am ready for intercourse. Just what is it about my fantasies that seem to get me off? What aspects of what I read seems to frighten me? I am not a kinky personality and I am not a masochist. I cannot advise you concerning these more esoteric factors of getting off. Reading the Kama Sutra was interesting but it seemed to me to be concerned with using sexual energy for healing work. The same, I thought, was for Tantra. These arts are concerned with developing a sense of energy flow in the body, especially sexual energy, and channeling it consciously to the task of healing. Do not get me wrong; engaging in these exercises of energy work is a very wonderful experience with the right partner. More on this subject will be discussed later in the chapter on being with a partner.
Reading Playboy Magazine, and many of the other "men's" magazines, was great for the pictures, commentaries and fantasies about sex and sexuality. I am not aware of these types of magazines for females, if they exist. There are numerous sites available online dealing with the topic of sex and sexuality. If you sexplore these, be sure that you have a very good anti-virus and anti-spyware program running on your computer before you begin.
Finding, touching, caressing and becoming relaxed in feeling the physical sensations of the erogenous zones is key to becoming a great sexual player. You have to be comfortable with yourself before you can give real pleasure to another person. On most people, the nipples, the anus, the mouth, the tongue, the area of and surrounding the genitals are erogenous zones. Other people need to be caressed in certain areas in order to first relax and then be able to move on to the erogenous zones in order to get sufficiently "off". Examples of this are areas like the licking of the neck hollow and gently stroking the back and especially the legs. Most women and some men need to feel relaxed, cared for and safe. One needs then to self-explore these and other areas in order to determine their effects on "getting off". It is also very instructive to determine the type of touch that needs to be applied. Find out if you need a gentle touch, a sucking, a licking, a pinch, a hard rub, scraping with a hard edge, a soft bristled brush, etc. to be applied and just where. Experiment with the different methods of physical touch, pressure and caressing on your skin and erogenous zones. The type of touch needed may also vary during the course of the month, especially in women. A more intense form of touch may be needed just before and during the time of their ovulation (egg release).
For most persons, there are emotional and mental factors that need to be considered in "getting off". The best objective way of getting to know oneself emotionally and mentally is through behavioral genetics. The layperson's guide to behavioral genetics is called astrology. You will need to know the date, place and time of birth, hopefully within 4 minutes. The reason for this is that most of the planets will not move much in a 24 - hour period but the moon of the Earth moves significantly in this period relative to any particular place upon the Earth. Also, astrology is of great help in determining your sexual compatibility with a partner. The information gleaned from astrology is a guide to understanding yourself. This information will guide you to know your particular individual tendencies. Your particular beingness then comes about with life's experiences, interpersonal interactions and the various learning experiences that will yield your individual uniqueness as a personality. You may not want to become an expert in astrology but learning the basics will give to you an edge is getting to know yourself and others. This information will allow you to explore other aspects of your tendencies that you may not have thought about just yet.
A Compatible Partner
Now that the self-exploration is well underway, who might we discover that shares our passion for sexual play? Because we live in a world fraught with danger at every turn, learning self-survival in the jungle of life is of ultimate concern. Males are usually the instigator of interpersonal interaction and as such are the persons with the most crucial role in sexual play. The laws of our society are geared to protecting women from the predations of males. In our day and time this has begun to include females as well but the laws are still biased in favor of women.
As children we can get by with more mischief than adults. Sexual exploration in children is tolerated. When one goes through puberty, all this changes, as you well know. Thus, the question of trust between partners arises and the issue of oppression raises its ugly head. Always remember that just because today they (male or female) may be your friend, tomorrow they may become your enemy! Do you want the others in your common circle of acquaintances knowing that you are into "rimming" (anus licking and tongue insertion) for instance? This, if for no other reason, should keep you from making enemies of your past and present intimate partners.
Today Americans are much more mobile than at any other time in recent history. Still, when one grows up in a rural society and knows everyone around for most of their life, the building of a reputation for behavioral expressions is going to occur. Trust is a big issue in this case. Whom can you trust? Do you care? Getting away from one's reputation is why some persons move to another locale. On the flip side, I might depend upon my reputation for bringing to me new partners. However, people are quick to label another person in a negative manner whether it is deserved or not. This is but one reason that people away from their normal living environment will become a bit wilder than they normally would be since they will be better able to relax and have some fun. No one that they know is going to find out, going to know what is happening!
Since I am a gentle being, this discussion will assume that sexual play is going to be between consenting adults and with no negative implications arising. As I have gone through life, I have learned some things about male-female interactions. There are no hard and fast rules but there are definite guidelines. Looking for a partner for sexual play is not the same as looking for a mate. If things work out, they may be combined, however. Usually, it is not a good idea to look for a sexual partner where you work. Neither is it a good idea to do so where you go to church. Online is popular these days but fraught with teasers. I assume that people use bars and clubs as lookouts for sexual play partners. I am not into the bar scene but I do like to go dancing. Health-wise, it is not wise to be very promiscuous either due to the increased risk of contracting any variety of the various sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Is your prospective partner going to tell you that they have contracted genital herpes? I think not! Always use a condom with new sexual play partners until you have a better idea of their past encounters. Always ask to and do examine the genitals and body for the telltale signs of infection. Do some online research in order to know what to look for on the skin and elsewhere! I personally have never been with a prostitute and I have avoided those of known promiscuity. I prefer to be the debaucher of innocent young things that want to explore their sexuality with someone "safe". The reason that I mention these things is that many STDs will cause sterility if not treated very soon after contracting the disease. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! We as responsible human beings would most definitely want to keep the rate of infection residing in our population as low as possible. If you know that you are infected, get treatment and use preventative measures or restrict your carnal interactions to those similarly infected.
I always look for attractiveness, personality and cleanliness in any prospective sexual play partner. I ask for their birth data as soon as possible, compute their natal chart and compare it with mine. I have found that astrological analysis is quite accurate whether it is used to delve into my beingness or any of my interpersonal relationships. Since I am interested in how the energies of my prospective sexual play partner will merge and interact with mine, I look for the angular relationships between our Mars and Venus planets. This is where you can put a feeling of "vibrations" or "chemistry" between persons on a more objective level. The astrological techniques are more for confirming what you may already intuitively know to be true.
The following examples are based upon personal experience later objectified and delineated by astrological analysis. The only woman that I can say that I absolutely adored and loved completely had a Mars (mine) -Venus (hers) and Venus (mine) - Mars (hers) angular relationship of 60 degrees, a very rare dual 60 degree angular relationship! We both were always ready to jump into bed together and the sexual energy between us was of a playfully creative nature, we were never bored with our sexual congress.
One of my potential lifetime partners, I later discovered, had her Venus 90 degrees to my Mars. She was always ready to engage in sexual congress with me and she was always dripping wet ready for my entry with a minimum of stimulation. She was very easy for me to completely satisfy!
The woman that I have yet so far stayed with the longest, 8 years, had her Venus 120 degrees to my Mars and her Mars 120 degrees to my Venus. These examples are a reflection of the fact that the definitions of the angular relationships as delineated by astrology, 60 degrees, 90 degrees and 120 degrees, are of creativity, intensity and harmony respectively. Yes, astrology really does work! It should because it is the lay description of the science of behavioral genetics. So if you are looking for a certain type of experience, use astrological analysis to weed out the chaff and hone in on the treasure box!
The 3 most important components of your natal chart are the Ascendent (Rising Sign), the Moon Sign and the Sun Sign. The Moon Sign describes the workings of the physical body. The Ascendent describes the projection of your personality. The Sun Sign describes the integration of all of the components of your chart as a whole. The angular relationships between the planets, whether in your, your partners or a composite chart made up of a combination of your and your partner's chart, determine the quality of the physical, emotional and mental expression and interaction. I would very strongly advise that you keep in mind that the Moon Sign is your physical body. It would be best for a long-term relationship if the angular relationship between partner's Moon consisted of a 600 or 1200 angle as harmony between planets (good vibes) gives rise to synergistic energy. It is true that your partner can eventually cause you to become ill, otherwise.
Intimate play is most fun as a mutually beneficial shared experience. One must get to know each other as emotional, mental and physical beings. If your prospective partner is not open minded, spontaneous and relaxed, your experience is most likely going to be of poor quality. Since this work describes a willful process to satisfy needs, one gets invited for future play only if both partners are getting what they want, need and require. In any endeavor, communication is the most important ingredient for a mutually agreeable outcome. Happenstance has no part here, only analytical assessment. Most persons just wait for the right person to come along and be what they want. We are seeking for what we want. Speak your mind; your partner is most likely not going to be a mind reader. If you are inexperienced, say so. If you are curious about a technique, say so. If you would like to explore a particular activity, say so! If you enjoy a particular technique or activity, say so!
Becoming intimate with a partner seemed to be the main means of entertainment before the advent of radio and then the television. You are now able to blame TV for not getting any! I am sure that this is the main reason for sexual alienation in our society today along with the fear of contracting a sexually transmitted disease.
I do not know about you but I am a lunatic! I am very much influenced by the position and phase of the moon. I know that it helps me to plan my future encounters for the maximum pleasure by coordinating my play with the phases of the moon. There are times when I am just interested in the physical act. There are also times when I am interested in getting close emotionally and there are times when the idea of a technique gets me especially "off". Most of the time I am not able to correlate my personal sensual states with those of my partners but when it does happen, it is very much more enjoyable.
Foreplay may be quite varied and mostly revolves around being emotional, mental, physical in nature or any combination thereof. For the most part, it is the dominant partner that is initiating the moves and the subordinate that is responding to the moves. Both partners must be ready and willing for the playfulness to begin, as surprise startles. Caressing various places on the body and kissing seems to invariably be involved. Caressing and then caressing and nuzzling and then caressing and kissing seem to be the usual progression. I have found that some women like to have their ears nuzzled and the tip of the tongue inserted into the ear canal and massaged. Others like to have the side of their neck nibbled and kissed. Some women like their hair stroked or their back stroked and most women like their breasts fondled and gently squeezed. I generally start by placing the palm of my hand on her stomach before raising it to caress a breast. If the woman opens her legs, I make an effort to caress the inside of her thighs from knee to crotch first before moving on to the vulva. Thus one needs to find the right combination of stroking, caressing, fondling, nuzzling and kissing to turn your partner on. There is also a sense of creating the anticipation of what move is coming next, what sensual experience moves her along the path of readiness for coitus.
Kissing is an art form in its own right. Women seem to get it that I am going to kiss them when I take my glasses off (I am a bit nerdy). I always approach slowly and make no sudden moves, slow and gentle but firm, with no hesitation. By this time they are in my arms and a willing participant, eagerly awaiting my next move. About half of the women I have known will also initiate sensual moves of their own. For instance, one of my past partners happily surprised me by initiating oral tongue lock the first time that we attempted a kiss. Needless to say that total bodily hygiene is of paramount importance and not just good oral hygiene.
Taking a shower together is a very nice experience and is able to dissolve the barriers to physical intimacy. I routinely use body gloves in order to exfoliate my entire body when I take my shower. I find the least abrasive pair that I am able to buy and I give my partner her first body scrub. Washing each other's privates is always great fun and has started much creative sex play.
I usually like to first connect with my partner by initiating an exchange of sensual massage. This may be a massage using scented oil or a brushing massage using a soft horsehair brush, as boar bristle is too stiff and scratches. One of my partners liked me to brush her from shoulder to toe with the brush and then gently to brush her breasts. Lastly I would brush her vulva. As she became more excited, her vulva would open and I would be brushing her clitoris and vaginal opening. At the right moment I would mount and enter her thrusting at just the right angle to maximally stimulate her "G- spot". She would reach orgasm with about 8 to 10 thrusts!
Another of my partners liked me to, after the appropriate foreplay, enter her vagina from behind while she was lying flat on her stomach. I would then lick my thumb and rub her external anal ring. As she approached orgasm I would then insert my thumb into her anus. As she came to orgasm, her anal sphincter would spasmodically constrict and relax on my thumb as her vagina spasmodically contracted and relaxed on my hard penis crammed fully into her so that I was massaging the opening to her womb with the head of my penis. From time to time during certain phases of the moon, she liked me to first have her get a vaginal orgasm and then to give me a little head to get me hard again so that I could enter her anus. Sometimes it was from the front with her legs in the air and sometimes it was from the back when she was lying on her stomach. But the one that I liked best was when she bent over while standing and held on to her ankles while I entered her from behind. She always opened her anal sphincter naturally for me and I came to really like anal, as it is always nice and tight.
One of my past partners liked especially to give head and do rimming. She would lick my penis from base to head, suck on my balls and then lick my anus. Then she would stick her tongue as far into my anus as she could and run it around my anal sphincter while palming my penis. Then she would blow me, sliding and sucking me all the way into her mouth and down her throat. She could tell when I was about to get ready to cum and she would insert a finger into my anus and massage my prostate gland. This always got me to have a maximally pleasurable orgasm. She would simultaneously take me entirely into her mouth to the base of my penis and swallow each ejaculation as it blasted into her throat!
I do not know about you but I like for my partners to be moaners and screamers. This lets me know how my ministrations are proceeding. Also it gives me a sense of satisfaction and lets me know that I am progressing well in my ministrations. As I said, mutual satisfaction is always to be a goal since future interaction will always depend upon the outcome of the encounter. It works both ways and some of my past partners have asked me to be a bit more vociferous as well.
I have come to the conclusion that most males are "tensers" and most women are "relaxers". In other words, most men tense up as they approach orgasm and relax after while most women become quite tense just before and then relax into the orgasm and then ride the afterglow.
Through The AgesIn the Chinese culture, the ages of female sexuality run in 7-year cycles and male sexuality in 8-year cycles. Thus, in females, their monthly period of shedding blood from the vagina is supposed to begin about age 14 with functional sexual maturity. At age 28 they are supposedly emotionally mature and at the age of 49 (7 x 7) they are supposedly depleted of the essence necessary to conceive. This is the "ideal" biological pattern for females. Considerable variation to this "normal" pattern exists and is not suitable for this discussion. In males, the age of 16 is the one of functional sexual maturity and supposedly the age of 32 is the time of emotional maturity. The age of 64 (8 x 8) in males is the time of their depletion of the essence necessary to achieve a viable offspring. Again, there is considerable variation in the "ideal" biological pattern. Children will play "doctor" to satisfy curiosity. At the age of puberty, interest in sexual matters intensifies greatly. Physical maturity is achieved before emotional maturity. I always wondered about this and just what evolutionary meaning this fact might have for humans? So this is the time of both physical and emotional exploration for both females and males. Society has yet to deal with this fact in a satisfactory manner, to my way of thinking. How do they find responsible guidance, a safe environment in which to explore and those with whom to explore that are not going to take undo advantage of them? Having babies is very hard on the body and health of women. Menopause is also a time of stress for women. Their estrogen levels decline and their testosterone levels are unmasked. This is the time for them to acquire a moustache and become much more assertive. Are they able to maintain their sexual appeal now that they are not worrying about becoming pregnant? Is anyone going to be interested in me now that my vagina has been stretched out? Did their husband leave them for a younger woman? Do they look for a younger male lover and teach him her ways of making love? Does their sex drive go through the floor? How do they get their sex drive back? What has been the toll upon their bodies of having and raising their children? There is life after the children have flown the coop. Now they have to discover and immerse themselves in their "new" life. Now they have to deal with finding the information necessary to live their "new" life. Males in one sense have an easier time of life. They do not have to undergo the predations upon the body that being pregnant requires. However, why is it that most males die at a much younger age then females? It is because of the responsibility of providing for their family in a position of work that they most probably do not like. As teenagers, males have no thought but to "getting off". What to do with all of that testosterone in their blood? Later at age 32, they think about having a family if not already in the middle of one. Do I really want a younger woman now that I am with a wife that has no interest in sex? How do I find a lover and not ruin my happy marriage and loose my children? Now that my wife has left me and taken the children, do I find another younger wife? Now that I am older, why am I not able to get and maintain an erection? Questions, questions but no answers. I do not want to predispose any of your solutions. You must make your own choices. The subject of sexual prostitution is not something that I can talk about, as I have never been so inclined to indulge. I do think that it should be legal and regulated. I also think that younger males should be tutored by older women and younger females tutored by older males. How to do this in an appropriate manner is open to discussion. What does all of this have to do with sexploration? I do not know about you but the day I die is the day that I stop sexploration. The problem for me is always where and how to attract the next partner! Good luck to you in your sexploration.